Basically, I'm going through a friend break-up.
It's true. I know I can't be the only one who has experienced this, but sometimes it feels like you're the only one, you know? And it is not fun.
Sometimes, someone who you thought was a really great person with similar values to you turns out to be very different from what you though. This can be a good thing, that you learn something about your friend that makes you appreciate them more. But sometimes, this can have a really negative impact.
Obviously I have the negative feeling.
Friendships, and relationships in general, are complicated. And while I don't count myself as a gifted advice-giver, I know that by posting this I will get out some bottled up emotions and ideas. And hopefully someone can benefit by reading it.
All I can say about this is, be honest with yourself. I know I spent a lot of time in this friendship because I felt like I should or had to. I felt tied to this person because we had many mutual friendships. But sometimes, you just don't mesh. If you're forcing something too much, or only putting work in and not receiving any mutual good feelings, then this relationship will take a toll. I'm saying this from a personal place. Eventually, I realized how emotionally exhausted I was all the time from trying to make this friendship work.
Secondly, if he or she will not meet your needs, whatever they are, that isn't okay. Anyone who knows me know that I have a very large personal bubble. I'm just not a hugger! I don't know why, it just doesn't make me all that comfortable. That goes for other non-physical things. I'm just not comfortable sharing a lot with people. And this friend in particular, even after I communicated this to her on several occasions, didn't seem to understand how important this is.
This goes both ways. In order for a friendship to work, both people need to respect each other's quirks and feelings.
Going along with that, you can't change anybody. That doesn't mean you can't help them through a changing or growth process. But you can't go into a friendship knowing "hey, I don't really like how Suzie Q always isn't open minded about trying new restaurants with me, so I'm going to get her to". A person is who they are because that's who they are. Talk about convoluted sentence. But you're not going to change me into a person who loves mashed potatoes, because I really don't. We all have our own needs and personalities, and it's not fair to want to change that for your own benefit. I'm saying this, again, because I definitely did this in the aforementioned friendship. I thought maybe I could get things to be better if she stopped doing things I didn't like. Pretty selfish on my part, really.
Next, the truth will set you free. I know. What a cliche. But honestly, dragging something out because you're not being honest with them will not only make you feel bad for lying, but will also make them feel bad because they won't realize what's really going on in your head. Nobody can read minds (as cool as that would be). I know it's basically the hardest thing you ever do, but if you've had a lasting relationship with this person, you kinda owe it to them to let them know what's going on in your head. I sat down with my friend and told her how I felt. Is it going to be painful? Yes. Is it going to be ugly? Yep. Is is going to be something you will want to relive? Um, no. But man, once I did it, I felt so much better not dragging something out.
And finally focus on your happiness. This one is really hard for me. I really didn't want to hurt this other person's feelings, but at the same time it was tearing me apart inside. There comes a point (at least for me) when you are past helping this person and being able to care for that person and yourself, and it's okay to pick your own happiness. After all, you're only here on this earth for so long... might as well make the absolute most of it.
I hope that helped someone, if anyone. I know it's so easy for me to just sit here and type these ideas out, but I understand how hard it can be to figure out when to end a friendship that just isn't working. I really do. And I hope even if you don't follow any of these ideas, at least reading this will give some consolation.
Here is a song that I always makes me feel better when reflecting/ pondering life/ getting past obstacles. I don't know. It's pretty. Plus I felt like posting some music.
Enjoy the weekend! Yay!
katie
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